Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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