i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
