I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
