Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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