the new term for farting is butt boxing.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
