My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
