After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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