Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
