I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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