How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
where are you?
Hypothermia
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
