I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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