Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i love accidental penises.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
