The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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