trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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