well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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