Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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