When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
