i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I think I sprained my soul last night
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
