I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
