And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Dear god my vagina.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
