Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
