I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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