My sheets look like a crime scene.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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