she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize