So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
