Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
