I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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