sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
