DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
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I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
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Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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