we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
