Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
