That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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