Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
