It's Friday. Sex?
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Found your dick twin last night
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
