oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
