You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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