I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
