I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Sorry about my life...
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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