I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
