i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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