I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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