Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
