Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
