I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
