God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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