Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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