bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
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Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
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I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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