So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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