He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
