the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
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