My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
