you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
