glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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