he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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