I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
